dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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