We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
