How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
