Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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