I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
