Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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