It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
