Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
