I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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