Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
