careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
