Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
