you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
