So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Less talking, more tequila
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
