I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
