y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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