We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
