i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
