Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
