OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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