Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
