I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
