my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
