my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
