he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You have to summon your inner elephant
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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