Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
