A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
