just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
