I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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