I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
