Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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