Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
