I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
