I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
