I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
