Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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