The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
two words...techno handjob
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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