There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm jealous of your bromance
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
