we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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