Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
