Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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