margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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