i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He passed out mid-signature
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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