My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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