splinters make it hard to masturbate
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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