true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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