Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
