I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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