My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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