I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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