She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
