Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
