I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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