Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
