He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
