I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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