The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
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I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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